btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
