I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
