The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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