Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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