Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
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