She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My bed smells like the plague
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
