Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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