drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The adults are the big ones right?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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