Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
