1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You dont lie about slip and slides
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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