Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
