alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
