My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
being pregnant is like rehab
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
