so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
