His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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