can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
