My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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