I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
