Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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