you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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