Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
