I CAN MOONWALK!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
