Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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