Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
