I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
