I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I won't apologize to a one balled man
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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