i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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