Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
