Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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