We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
