true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We left the knife in your bed.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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