from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
