i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
