I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
