Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
