So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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