I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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