i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
