Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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