My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
