His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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