He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
why is half of my head shaved?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
