Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
