My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
