I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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