I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
