The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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