Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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