I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
