obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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