Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
