The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
