You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
