We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
